I wish I could teleport
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
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