Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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