i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
