You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
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Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
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Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
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