My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize
