She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
My vagina is officially offended.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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