he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
