I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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