he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Randomize
