I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
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