Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
you never un-have a 4some
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
