So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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