I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
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