Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
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