I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
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