I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
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