That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
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