I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
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