She's JV to your varsity
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
