oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
