My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
No subtext here. People are naked.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
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