Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
