My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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