My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
