According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
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