i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Randomize
