im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
I have surprise drugs for everyone
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Randomize
