guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
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