If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Randomize
