one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
