We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
foreskin is a definite game changer
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Randomize
