Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
