How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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