go do what you do best...puke behind churches
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Randomize
