You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
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