I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
