Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
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