Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
