..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
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