if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
