you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Randomize
