nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Is her dick bigger than yours?
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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