My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
