i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
Randomize
