she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
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