These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
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"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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