saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
