I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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