does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
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