Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
