just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
