didnt we say no more talking to eachother
it will help you get over me i promise
im horny
ok i will unlock the door
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
RA just said I set the all time record for a student who lost houseing..30min..I was moveing out while my new roomate was moveing in. know of any off campous places to stay??
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
