have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
why do cheetos always look like penises
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
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