Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Randomize
