Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
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