Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
stop calling my apartment porn island.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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