Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
