Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Randomize
